angelpiratebaby | (no subject)

What helps is the knowledge that if we don't break our habits, we'll keep hurting each other and never be able to heal this divide. And I won't accept that as our future.

Perhaps. It's difficult for me to believe he has never known happiness enough to remember how to find it now. We used to have fun as children, although that may be why he kept stabbing me and turning me into things.

[It's all something to chew on. He'll come back to this, work through the new flavours, feel the weight of the patterns properly to set about disrupting them.

Time, then, to ease back.]

Has he not had sufficient opportunity to stab you lately?

He's had plenty of it. I don't think he will again. The last time he betrayed me wasn't long ago, but his heart wasn't really in it. He came through not long after for me, for our people. It changed us.

Does this help, then? Being here on somewhat neutral ground?

It does remove some of the baggage that comes with our normal lives, but clearly it hasn't stopped him from some ongoing issues with me. We are very different. The ways we think are different. I want him to find friendship and love and have a full life. He struggles with allowing me to have the same.

Quite the knot to untangle.

Thank you, by the way.

It is. If I ever find out how to do it right, I'll be sure to share.

For what?

For that. For sharing. Lots of people would be inclined to keep this sort of thing buried.

If you asked me an earlier time I likely would have lied. I cover up a lot for Loki, make excuses, try to protect him, I always have. And it's not that I don't want to still love and protect him, but I think it's become clear it isn't healthy for us. He can't break out of my shadow if I'm always casting it, and I can't have a full life if mine is only about him.

Far from an easy thing to see in oneself and a love one. Harder still to make a change, even with the best of intentions.

Thank you for trying as well.

Trying is all I can ever do. I will never give up on him. But I think you may be a better balm to the soul at times than I am. Less historical baggage.

At times. I expect it needs a bit of both. And quite a bit of him on his own.

Yes. I know I said it myself, that he needs to find some of this for himself, but it is still difficult not to want to wade in there and do it all for him. Regardless of the fact I know I cannot. It's an impulse.

It's love, surely.