Because they all left me! Because it is paralyzing not to know why. Because I keep digging and digging to find what it could be but I never have a real answer.
Laufey didn't even know you, he had no reason outside of being a bad person. There is nothing you did to cause that.
[ Thor has a great deal of disdain for Laufey, that's one of the major reasons. Cruel from the start. ]
Odin had three children and unhealthy relationships with all of them. At least part of that is on him.
[ It's not favorable odds for the King. Thor is not prepared to put all of the weight on their father, but some of it, perhaps. He did treat Loki poorly, they had proof of that. ]
I'm not saying you are an innocent snowflake, but you mustn't base your worth on two flawed individuals.
[ loki shakes his head. he knows that, of course. it's why he harbours little to no regret for their deaths. but they were still family. where does one start to untangle that?
he knows they didn't do him justice by any means. but the scab is still there and loki has never found a way to heal it. so all he can do is keep picking at it and letting it bleed. as if letting it breathe will net him the answer he's been searching for.
but loki will keep going in circles, so he pushes it away. ]
I don't have much else to go on. But you're right. It's in the past.
You had Mother and me. Surely we are better than them.
[ Thor really can't understand the impulse. He definitely has their father's presence and ghost permanently on top of him, suffocating him at times in ways he doesn't admit to. ]
Besides, we are fifteen hundred years old. Father had centuries of brutal violence with Hela, what do you have, a few years of bad decisions?
[ Loki is back to trying to be good again. If he continues on that path in his future, and Thor believes he does have that future, this will be a dark period they can get beyond. The long-lived can wait out dislike. ]
What I'm saying is you are already a better person than either of them.
[ for now. loki doesn't have that kind of faith or inner belief in himself. everything is a slippery slope. love, worth, reward, goodness. nothing feels fixed. ]
Not for another few centuries at least. But Father never had a brother to look out for him. We do.
[ Odin didn't really have anyone willing to call him out on his many issues, including unfortunately their mother and Thor himself. Which left Loki mostly on his own, something they're both aware of now. Thor isn't going to make that mistake again. Not when he has nights like this where it feels like he has his brother back. ]
You know, you could take his last name, if you wanted to.
[ loki lawford? he's not sure. mostly because it took him so long to even accept the name of odinson and even then he struggles to use it. could he give it up so quickly after finally making it his own?
is he really an odinson if he can never make it to the inner lands, to valhalla? ]
You still would be Loki Odinson, always. Although Loki Lawford does have an odd ring to it.
[ It's the LL. It does kind of run off the tongue nicely though, all things considered. He wonders if Loki Odinson-Lawford would be too much of a mouthful. ]
How much does he know? About our people? I assume you've told him you're a god-prince.
[ Thor blinks at that. It's just that being a god-prince tends to be one of the first things they end up telling people. He wonders if it is required, for someone to know a great deal about their betrothed in order to have a happy relationship. Jane certainly knows him very well.]
About your past? I suppose it doesn't really matter, looking to the future alone.
[ doesn't it? sickly doubts are spreading now. come to think of it, loki never asks lawford much about his past. he didn't think it was important. perhaps it was? perhaps he's not doing it right.
[ Thor glances at him, worried he's put an insecurity in there from his typical thoughtless commentary. It's typical. Thor waves a hand. ]
If he cared about it, he would have asked you. It is not important to everyone.
[ He has feelings for multiple people who he doesn't know the entire story of. He and Jane knew a great deal about each other, but that's because they asked and wanted to know. It seems to be up to the couple in question. Although a part of him does worry this Lawford may be startled if he hears from other people about Loki's past. Well, that's a problem for later if so.]
[ loki doesn't look or feel convinced, but he looks to thor, as if to draw upon his confidence before pushing it down. if lawford truly had those concerns, he would have said something. loki knows it. no, actually loki believes it. that's what he promised. certainty for each day.
but loki also knows the truth has never been particularly kind to him. his fingers twitch by his sides. ]
I knew very little of Jane Foster when I first met her, but you know that didn't matter to me.
[ They grew to know each other, but in the start she was a strange human scientist who he found interesting and intelligent. They got along, they didn't share every secret with one another, he eventually asked the deeper questions but it wasn't essential to their relationship. He knew her for a short time but already fell for her, enough that she was still on his mind plenty of time later when they were apart.
He sounds confident because he is. But he doesn't have Loki's background so he pauses a moment to consider. He wants to give his brother his honest thoughts. ]
I don't think telling your history is necessary, but I caution you against hiding it from him too. If he does ask, be honest. If he doesn't, you can assume it genuinely is unimportant to him.
Do you think him perfect, brother? Do you think he has no flaws, no history of his own? Would it matter to you if he turns out to be a real person rather than a fantasy?
It is not his flaws I'm concerned about! I am the one whose past is concerning! Everyone else here is a hero or a normal person. I'm the one who must navigate in fear!
[ Thor's temper is banked; he is not going to rise to it when he knows Loki is afraid. ]
You are making assumptions and judgments of yourself for him, he is an adult man capable of making his own decisions. You would not marry a fool, you have to trust him.
[ that stops loki in his tracks. yes, it's not about his past. it's about trust. and trust has always been the biggest obstacle for loki, the hardest pinnacle to climb. could he do it? trust someone else? ]
[ Loki obviously, their parents, and his friends too, Stark and Banner most directly with the scepter although he forgave them both quickly. ]
It is possible you choose to trust someone and they betray you, and I know that has happened to you many times, but you are not happy allowing that to shut you off from the world, Loki. You still seek real happiness, I see it in you now, you are not as cynical as you want to be.
[ it's a quiet admittance of the truth. he's not. he's not sure what it's like to be happy without doubt or fear. they've been his constant companions for so long and loki is loathe to give them up. in his mind, they've kept him safe, kept him from worse heartbreak. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Thor is genuinely baffled. ]
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So why should I believe anything else?
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[ Thor has a great deal of disdain for Laufey, that's one of the major reasons. Cruel from the start. ]
Odin had three children and unhealthy relationships with all of them. At least part of that is on him.
[ It's not favorable odds for the King. Thor is not prepared to put all of the weight on their father, but some of it, perhaps. He did treat Loki poorly, they had proof of that. ]
I'm not saying you are an innocent snowflake, but you mustn't base your worth on two flawed individuals.
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he knows they didn't do him justice by any means. but the scab is still there and loki has never found a way to heal it. so all he can do is keep picking at it and letting it bleed. as if letting it breathe will net him the answer he's been searching for.
but loki will keep going in circles, so he pushes it away. ]
I don't have much else to go on. But you're right. It's in the past.
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[ Thor really can't understand the impulse. He definitely has their father's presence and ghost permanently on top of him, suffocating him at times in ways he doesn't admit to. ]
Besides, we are fifteen hundred years old. Father had centuries of brutal violence with Hela, what do you have, a few years of bad decisions?
[ Loki is back to trying to be good again. If he continues on that path in his future, and Thor believes he does have that future, this will be a dark period they can get beyond. The long-lived can wait out dislike. ]
What I'm saying is you are already a better person than either of them.
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Yes. I suppose I cannot trump Hela and Odin.
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[ Odin didn't really have anyone willing to call him out on his many issues, including unfortunately their mother and Thor himself. Which left Loki mostly on his own, something they're both aware of now. Thor isn't going to make that mistake again. Not when he has nights like this where it feels like he has his brother back. ]
You know, you could take his last name, if you wanted to.
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is he really an odinson if he can never make it to the inner lands, to valhalla? ]
I'm not sure how he'd feel about that.
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[ He doesn't like to indicate any reason Loki might feel is a rejection of him. He is an Odinson, pure and simple to Thor. But. ]
But Odin is complicated for you, and starting fresh with your new future ... it isn't the worst option.
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. . . No. It's not. But I only came to terms with it recently. It would be weak-hearted of me to give it up when I proclaimed it in Thanos' face.
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[ It's the LL. It does kind of run off the tongue nicely though, all things considered. He wonders if Loki Odinson-Lawford would be too much of a mouthful. ]
How much does he know? About our people? I assume you've told him you're a god-prince.
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though he doesn't seem to notice that, doubts slipping through the cracks. ]
Only a little. I don't think I've said much.
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About your past? I suppose it doesn't really matter, looking to the future alone.
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he swallows it down. ]
It'll be all right. I didn't lie about anything.
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If he cared about it, he would have asked you. It is not important to everyone.
[ He has feelings for multiple people who he doesn't know the entire story of. He and Jane knew a great deal about each other, but that's because they asked and wanted to know. It seems to be up to the couple in question. Although a part of him does worry this Lawford may be startled if he hears from other people about Loki's past. Well, that's a problem for later if so.]
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but loki also knows the truth has never been particularly kind to him. his fingers twitch by his sides. ]
Do you believe that?
[ if thor does, then loki will try to. ]
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[ They grew to know each other, but in the start she was a strange human scientist who he found interesting and intelligent. They got along, they didn't share every secret with one another, he eventually asked the deeper questions but it wasn't essential to their relationship. He knew her for a short time but already fell for her, enough that she was still on his mind plenty of time later when they were apart.
He sounds confident because he is. But he doesn't have Loki's background so he pauses a moment to consider. He wants to give his brother his honest thoughts. ]
I don't think telling your history is necessary, but I caution you against hiding it from him too. If he does ask, be honest. If he doesn't, you can assume it genuinely is unimportant to him.
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So I should expect a potential fallout, regardless. I shouldn't have accepted his proposal. It was foolish of me.
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Do you think him perfect, brother? Do you think he has no flaws, no history of his own? Would it matter to you if he turns out to be a real person rather than a fantasy?
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It is not his flaws I'm concerned about! I am the one whose past is concerning! Everyone else here is a hero or a normal person. I'm the one who must navigate in fear!
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You are making assumptions and judgments of yourself for him, he is an adult man capable of making his own decisions. You would not marry a fool, you have to trust him.
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Everyone makes trust seem so easy.
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[ Loki obviously, their parents, and his friends too, Stark and Banner most directly with the scepter although he forgave them both quickly. ]
It is possible you choose to trust someone and they betray you, and I know that has happened to you many times, but you are not happy allowing that to shut you off from the world, Loki. You still seek real happiness, I see it in you now, you are not as cynical as you want to be.
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[ it's a quiet admittance of the truth. he's not. he's not sure what it's like to be happy without doubt or fear. they've been his constant companions for so long and loki is loathe to give them up. in his mind, they've kept him safe, kept him from worse heartbreak. ]
I do want more.
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[ Thor reaches out to take Loki's hands, squeezing them reassuringly. ]
I know you can do this.
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