angelpiratebaby | (no subject)

[ loki purses his lips. thor may not have claimed it, but he sure got away with it. ]

Or perhaps worthiness in itself is a terrible concept to force upon others.

I think there's a middle ground to be found. Not worthy the way he meant it, but striving to be worthy of other people's love and respect. That's still what I want.

[ Thor used to think Odin was the only person who could define such a role. Obviously his feelings on their father has changed significantly in retrospect. But just because he was wrong and flawed, didn't make everything he did wrong and flawed. ]

I think you're a good man, Loki. Whether you care or not.

[ loki still thinks that's dangerous. giving people that much power over you . . . nothing comes out of it. that may be why the future came to pass. valkyrie's words settle on him like a heavy weight. ]

It doesn't matter. Good or bad, all my endings are the same.

Of course it matters. Everything we do matters.

[ That's part of the weight of responsibility. Thor's choices are weighted no matter what they are. There's no changing that. He is not going to recognize any implication of Loki's fate unless forced to. If Loki hadn't forced him out here for this funeral, he would have avoided that too. ]

You're living for today, that's why you are getting married.

[ loki glances at thor curiously before giving a little sigh, a smile shifting on his lips. ]

You're not wrong.

Interesting.

[ Thor smirks at him. ]

So if I'm not wrong, that would make me ....

[ He gestures for Loki to fill in the [right] blank. He's the worst.]

[ dryly. ]

Lucky to live another day if your ego doesn't kill you first.

[ Thor snaps his fingers, grinning because sometimes annoying Loki is his favorite activity. ]

Ah yes, it is dangerous to be this right all of the time. Don't be worried for me, brother, I've survived this long in my rightness.

[ loki mutters. ]

Somehow.

It must be frustrating to love me even when I'm intentionally annoying you. That is a skill we both possess.

[ It's a brother thing. The centuries of bickering and fighting and adoration sometimes does boil down to being petty. And Thor wouldn't want it any other way. This is them. Thor looks at him and there's amusement in his one eye but also plenty of love shining there too. ]

I look forward to talking to your betrothed. A man who could win you over is special indeed.

[ loki huffs. sentiment. but there is a glow to him he can't fully disguise. ]

He is special to me.

Love looks very good on you.

[ It's not something he's ever seen from Loki toward someone else. He's uncertain if his brother's loved anyone like this, if he has, he hasn't been obvious about it. Thor glances toward the empty boat that is still burning although lesser now, the wood giving way. ]

Is it that new tenderness that led you to do me this kindness?

[ that was the wrong thing to say. loki's smile drops instantly. ]

I don't need to be touched by a human to know what needs to be done.

[ Thor raises his eyebrows, not understanding the sudden change. ]

Why are you upset?

[ the first impulse is to lie, he's not upset. but loki carefully lets it pass, even though he's still nettled. ]

You did just imply I'm not capable of tenderness unless I involve myself with humanity. Which, I might add, is your circumstance, not mine.

I never said it was a human that made a difference, I said love did.

[ Thor folds his arms. ]

Love changes people. Being open to love makes people open to other things as well.

[ loki hisses. ]

I have loved you before anyone else and it got me nothing! So spare me your empty platitudes.

It got you nothing?

[ Thor snaps right back. ]

It got you me!

As if you ever did this for me! You didn't even let me see Mother go! All of this, I did on my own, alone!

[ Thor bites back his immediate argument, a whole string of different accusations or denials that would have been vicious, and instead swallows them down. ]

You should have been there. I should have insisted.

[ Not that Odin would have listened. ]

I'm sorry. You're right.

[ that cuts down any future retorts from his lips. he hadn't been expecting that. finally loki turns away, the fight dying out of him. ]

You didn't let me say goodbye. You and Odin didn't let me touch her ever since I fell. None of you even had the heart to tell me she had passed.

[ and then they wonder why loki questions his place. the love. the loyalty. they wonder why he let go as if he did not see the writing long before.

no, loki

what love was left there to believe in? ]

But I am not you. Or Odin. I do things for my own reasons. And I did this for you.

[ Thor looks away from him, arms crossed now instead in a half-embrace for himself. ]

I didn't have the heart to tell you because it was my fault. She died because of me.

[ And that guilt will never leave him. ]

[ well. yes. and jane. and loki. and odin, probably. there was enough guilt to be spread all around. loki tries not to linger on his too much, the regret would become overwhelming and he has to survive.

it would be so easy to twist the knife and loki is sorely tempted. he has to feel bad about everything and it would be vindicative to even those scales. for a while, it would make him feel good and loki rarely, if ever, feels good.

but it would sour quickly. and loki has come too far to fall into such traps. ]

She died. Leave it at that.

I cannot. I have to live with my mistakes, not let them go.

[ This is essentially the problem Thor is hurtling toward, inevitably. Hanging onto every choice, living with the agony and guilt that comes from it. Even the strong can break with the right amount of pressure. But he is not broken yet. Just cracked.

He did expect Loki to stab him emotionally, that's how it would have gone in the pass, but they promised to try and work on their issues. And it's being proven through action, while still difficult. ]

I apologize for implying you couldn't have this compassion without inspiration from an outside source.

[ is this how the king of asgard fell in the future? it's a troubling sign and loki is inwardly worried. but without knowing enough of it, how could loki help thor avoid it? ]

I am not saying you should forget. But you cannot hold onto it this way. It will consume you until there's nothing else.

[ but he does offer a small nod at that apology. ]

Thank you. I recognize I do not have a great deal of it but that does mean I am — [ he cuts himself off. ] — It does not mean I am completely lacking.