[ Thor bites back his immediate argument, a whole string of different accusations or denials that would have been vicious, and instead swallows them down. ]
You should have been there. I should have insisted.
[ well. yes. and jane. and loki. and odin, probably. there was enough guilt to be spread all around. loki tries not to linger on his too much, the regret would become overwhelming and he has to survive.
it would be so easy to twist the knife and loki is sorely tempted. he has to feel bad about everything and it would be vindicative to even those scales. for a while, it would make him feel good and loki rarely, if ever, feels good.
but it would sour quickly. and loki has come too far to fall into such traps. ]
I cannot. I have to live with my mistakes, not let them go.
[ This is essentially the problem Thor is hurtling toward, inevitably. Hanging onto every choice, living with the agony and guilt that comes from it. Even the strong can break with the right amount of pressure. But he is not broken yet. Just cracked.
He did expect Loki to stab him emotionally, that's how it would have gone in the pass, but they promised to try and work on their issues. And it's being proven through action, while still difficult. ]
I apologize for implying you couldn't have this compassion without inspiration from an outside source.
[ is this how the king of asgard fell in the future? it's a troubling sign and loki is inwardly worried. but without knowing enough of it, how could loki help thor avoid it? ]
I am not saying you should forget. But you cannot hold onto it this way. It will consume you until there's nothing else.
[ but he does offer a small nod at that apology. ]
Thank you. I recognize I do not have a great deal of it but that does mean I am — [ he cuts himself off. ] — It does not mean I am completely lacking.
I can bear the burden, but I appreciate the concern.
[ Red flag red flag red flag. But enough about that.]
I never thought you lacking. You were very loving when we were children.
[ And now he has some insight into how that all changed. Neither of them were the same as they grew up, changing from their innocence into two very different people, and then the past few years even more so. ]
But you were very indifferent about their deaths before, I didn't plan on forcing my grief near you.
[ well they committed treason when loki was on the throne, sent him spiralling, then loki tried to kill them and they threatened to do the same. there isn't much coming back after that.
instead he rolls his eyes. ]
I'm not saying you should invite me to the sjaund. But everyone is allowed to grieve. It may never truly end, but it must be borne.
[ Well what's a little attempted murder between friends. Thor's made several friends that way and Loki's tried to kill him a handful of times. He's a forgiving person, for good or for ill. He glances back to Loki. ]
[ Thor unfolds his arms, putting his hands on Loki's shoulders. ]
There is not a single moment in my life where I did not love you. And I am sorry for every moment when you felt I didn't.
[ That is not Loki's fault, in his mind, it's his, for not being clearer or taking it all for granted. One major thing he's learned recently is assuming Loki knows does nothing. Telling him is necessary. ]
I am trying to remind you of that as often as I can, so you know. So you believe me. I am looking forward to you having a husband who will love you in a different but constant way too. Or he better.
[ Thor hums, thoughtful. ]
Should I threaten him? It is the big brother thing to do.
[ constant. his heart trembles. can it be constant? in a place like this? their journeys have been wildly inconsistent, but loki strives on, despite it. he's never sure if it is masochism or not.
still, thor's words are a balm and he feels soothed. ]
[ Emotions like love make people vulnerable, and he knows that his brother hates being that. Hopefully, he'll still try his best to do it regardlesss, to know that the benefits may be worth the turmoil. ]
I would not threaten him, but I will make certain he understands he is very lucky.
Because they all left me! Because it is paralyzing not to know why. Because I keep digging and digging to find what it could be but I never have a real answer.
Laufey didn't even know you, he had no reason outside of being a bad person. There is nothing you did to cause that.
[ Thor has a great deal of disdain for Laufey, that's one of the major reasons. Cruel from the start. ]
Odin had three children and unhealthy relationships with all of them. At least part of that is on him.
[ It's not favorable odds for the King. Thor is not prepared to put all of the weight on their father, but some of it, perhaps. He did treat Loki poorly, they had proof of that. ]
I'm not saying you are an innocent snowflake, but you mustn't base your worth on two flawed individuals.
[ loki shakes his head. he knows that, of course. it's why he harbours little to no regret for their deaths. but they were still family. where does one start to untangle that?
he knows they didn't do him justice by any means. but the scab is still there and loki has never found a way to heal it. so all he can do is keep picking at it and letting it bleed. as if letting it breathe will net him the answer he's been searching for.
but loki will keep going in circles, so he pushes it away. ]
I don't have much else to go on. But you're right. It's in the past.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:10 am (UTC)You should have been there. I should have insisted.
[ Not that Odin would have listened. ]
I'm sorry. You're right.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:21 am (UTC)You didn't let me say goodbye. You and Odin didn't let me touch her ever since I fell. None of you even had the heart to tell me she had passed.
[ and then they wonder why loki questions his place. the love. the loyalty. they wonder why he let go as if he did not see the writing long before.
no, loki
what love was left there to believe in? ]
But I am not you. Or Odin. I do things for my own reasons. And I did this for you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:26 am (UTC)I didn't have the heart to tell you because it was my fault. She died because of me.
[ And that guilt will never leave him. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:42 am (UTC)it would be so easy to twist the knife and loki is sorely tempted. he has to feel bad about everything and it would be vindicative to even those scales. for a while, it would make him feel good and loki rarely, if ever, feels good.
but it would sour quickly. and loki has come too far to fall into such traps. ]
She died. Leave it at that.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:50 am (UTC)[ This is essentially the problem Thor is hurtling toward, inevitably. Hanging onto every choice, living with the agony and guilt that comes from it. Even the strong can break with the right amount of pressure. But he is not broken yet. Just cracked.
He did expect Loki to stab him emotionally, that's how it would have gone in the pass, but they promised to try and work on their issues. And it's being proven through action, while still difficult. ]
I apologize for implying you couldn't have this compassion without inspiration from an outside source.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 01:57 am (UTC)I am not saying you should forget. But you cannot hold onto it this way. It will consume you until there's nothing else.
[ but he does offer a small nod at that apology. ]
Thank you. I recognize I do not have a great deal of it but that does mean I am — [ he cuts himself off. ] — It does not mean I am completely lacking.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 02:18 am (UTC)[ Red flag red flag red flag. But enough about that.]
I never thought you lacking. You were very loving when we were children.
[ And now he has some insight into how that all changed. Neither of them were the same as they grew up, changing from their innocence into two very different people, and then the past few years even more so. ]
But you were very indifferent about their deaths before, I didn't plan on forcing my grief near you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 02:30 am (UTC)instead he rolls his eyes. ]
I'm not saying you should invite me to the sjaund. But everyone is allowed to grieve. It may never truly end, but it must be borne.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 02:36 am (UTC)You did it for me. Because you love me.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 02:39 am (UTC)It's always been you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 03:01 am (UTC)[ Thor unfolds his arms, putting his hands on Loki's shoulders. ]
There is not a single moment in my life where I did not love you. And I am sorry for every moment when you felt I didn't.
[ That is not Loki's fault, in his mind, it's his, for not being clearer or taking it all for granted. One major thing he's learned recently is assuming Loki knows does nothing. Telling him is necessary. ]
I am trying to remind you of that as often as I can, so you know. So you believe me. I am looking forward to you having a husband who will love you in a different but constant way too. Or he better.
[ Thor hums, thoughtful. ]
Should I threaten him? It is the big brother thing to do.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 07:48 am (UTC)still, thor's words are a balm and he feels soothed. ]
What would be the point? I'm hardly defenseless.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 02:09 am (UTC)[ Emotions like love make people vulnerable, and he knows that his brother hates being that. Hopefully, he'll still try his best to do it regardlesss, to know that the benefits may be worth the turmoil. ]
I would not threaten him, but I will make certain he understands he is very lucky.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 02:14 am (UTC)Isn't it the other way around?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 02:58 am (UTC)[ Thor smiles and pats Loki on the shoulder. ]
Loki, you are a catch. You're a brilliant and powerful alien prince.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 03:09 am (UTC)Don't.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 03:24 am (UTC)[ Thor frowns at him, his tone gentle. ]
I am not blind to your flaws, brother, but you have many good qualities too.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 03:30 am (UTC)[ his words escape with a hiss. ]
If they had mattered, truly mattered, then I would have been kept.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 03:52 am (UTC)[ Thor sighs and rubs his hands over his face. ]
Look at how he treated all of us, Hela included. He was not a good father to any of us. You have to let him go.
[ Which is not an easy thing to say for him, it tastes like ash in his mouth, and yet, he feels it true. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 04:00 am (UTC)Odin wasn't the only parent to give me up.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 04:09 am (UTC)[ Thor is genuinely baffled. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 04:21 am (UTC)So why should I believe anything else?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 04:44 am (UTC)[ Thor has a great deal of disdain for Laufey, that's one of the major reasons. Cruel from the start. ]
Odin had three children and unhealthy relationships with all of them. At least part of that is on him.
[ It's not favorable odds for the King. Thor is not prepared to put all of the weight on their father, but some of it, perhaps. He did treat Loki poorly, they had proof of that. ]
I'm not saying you are an innocent snowflake, but you mustn't base your worth on two flawed individuals.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 04:58 am (UTC)he knows they didn't do him justice by any means. but the scab is still there and loki has never found a way to heal it. so all he can do is keep picking at it and letting it bleed. as if letting it breathe will net him the answer he's been searching for.
but loki will keep going in circles, so he pushes it away. ]
I don't have much else to go on. But you're right. It's in the past.
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